Characters in Order of Appearance
MAN
FRENCH LESSON
DOILE
VOICE UPSTAIRS
ATTENDANT 1
ATTENDANT 2
(Fade up interior acoustic. Someone is shuffling about in the foreground, fumbling for matches, and then lighting a cigarette. The final movement of Vaughan Williams' sixth symphony - or something equally unsettling - plays softly in the background. A general air of unease prevails. In the foreground, someone draws nervously on a cigarette. In the distance, a cuckoo calls, sounding an augmented 4th. A cockerel crows twice, but each time it is cut short: COCK-A-DOODLE-DUH, COCK-A-DOODLE-DUH. The cuckoo calls again, with the same unnatural interval as before.) |
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1 |
MAN |
(Exhales loudly, and mutters, trembling slightly) It's happening again ... |
| (Man gets out of chair. Feet cross the room, and then something is thumped three times. The cockerel crows again, but this time it gets stuck: COCK-A-COCK-A-COCK-A and so on. There is a cry of agony and another loud thump. The cockerel stops. After a short pause, the cuckoo calls again, sounding a fifth this time.There is a sound of frantic clicking, and the music changes from Vaughan Williams, through the shower soundtrack from "Psycho" and "Land of Hope and Glory", to what appears to be a French lesson ...) | ||
2 |
FRENCH LESSON |
... parts of the body. (Pause) Les partis du corps. (Pause) The finger. (Pause) Le doigt. (Pause) The ear. (Pause) L'oreille. (Pause) The spleen. (Pause) La rate. (Pause) The hepatic portal vein. (Pause) La veine hépa - |
| (More clicking. A brief extract from Penderecki's "Threnody for the victims of Hiroshima" is heard, followed by a couple of bars of "The Birdie Song", and then the music settles down to "Morning" from Grieg's "Peer Gynt". In the background, cow bells tinkle, cows moo and sheep baa. A cuckoo calls, correctly this time, and a cock crows. Feet return to their original position, and man gets back in chair. Smoking continues, more at ease now. After 30 seconds or so, the phone rings, muffled by a door. Man gets up and opens door. Picks up phone.) | ||
| 3 | MAN | Yeah? |
(But all he can hear - all we can hear - down the phone is the sound of a phone ringing again, as if heard over a phone. The phone is picked up, but all we hear is still the sound of a phone ringing, only now as if heard over a phone, over a phone. And so on. Slams down the phone in disgust. Breathing becomes nervous again. Lights another cigarette. Picks up phone, dials a number. We hear the ringing tone. The phone is picked up at the other end, but all we hear is the ringing tone again, more distant. This phone is also apparently picked up, but all that happens is that the ringing tone gets more distant still. And so on. Cries in anguish again. Slams down phone, and storms back into the lounge. Door close behind him. We are back to Vaughan Williams' sixth again. Paces up and down frantically.) |
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4 |
MAN |
(Muttering again) They're not going to get me ... they're not going to get me ... I'm going to beat them ... I'm not going to be defeated ... (And so on) |
| (The phone goes again, still muffled by the closed door.) | ||
5 |
MAN |
(Through clenched teeth, starting quietly, gradually getting more manic) Let it ring ... let it ring ... LET IT RING! (Pause whilst phone continues to ring) Oh dammit ... |
(Races out and picks up phone. All he can hear this time is heavy breathing. His own nervous breathing duets briefly with the stranger on the other end of the phone, until the other starts to cough, gasps out a "Sorry", and then rings off. Man gently puts phone down, and returns to lounge, resuming pacing up and down.) |
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6 |
MAN |
(Muttering once again) It's not going to get to me ... it's not going to get to me ... it's ... not ... going ... to ... it's ... it's ... deep breath ... DEEP breath ... that's better ... that's better ... (And so on) |
| (The music has stopped, and there is a period of silence, where all we can hear is breathing, gradually getting more and more relaxed. Finally ...) | ||
7 |
MAN |
Phew! Nearly had me there. (Shaking head - metaphorically at least) Nearly had me there ... |
| (There is a brief pause, following which there is - once again - the sound of a telephone ringing, muffled by the door.) | ||
| 8 | MAN | Aaaaaaaaaggh! |
(Frantically opens door, whereupon the muffled noise turns into the sound of a doorbell, being pressed in the rhythm of a phone ringing. Opens front door. Deafening sound of traffic jam. Engines running, cars hooting, people shouting etc.) |
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9 |
MAN |
(Shouting, barely audible above traffic) HELLO? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHO ARE YOU? |
| 10 | OTHER | (Totally incomprehensible shout back) |
| 11 | MAN | WHAT? |
| 12 | OTHER | (Still totally incomprehensible) |
| 13 | MAN | SORRY? |
| 14 | OTHER | (Still totally incomprehensible) |
| 15 | MAN | OH COME IN, WHOEVER YOU ARE ... |
| (Door closes. Noise ceases instantly.) | ||
| 16 | OTHER | Doile. From the ... |
17 |
MAN |
Wait. I just want to try something. (Opens door again. Pastoral scene. Sheep, cows, etc. Closes it.) Oh no. (Pause. Then, absently) Sorry, you are Mr. ...? |
| 18 | DOILE | Doile. |
| 19 | MAN | D - O - Y - ...? |
| 20 | DOILE | D - O - I |
| 21 | MAN | From? |
| 22 | DOILE | D.O.E. (Pause) Department of the Environment. |
23 |
MAN |
(Suddenly brimming with gratitude) Oh, thank God you've come. Please step this way ... (They go into lounge.) It's been dreadful ... |
24 |
DOILE |
(Testily) Yes, yes, I'm sure it has been. I'm sure it has. These things can be pretty unpleasant ... (He is interrupted by a helicopter flying over) ... Still, should be able to fix it ... (A small jet passes over, quite low) |
25 |
MAN |
What do you think it might be? (Two more small jets pass over in rapid succession) |
26 |
DOILE |
Well, what it probably means is that there's some sort of localised ... (A Tornado whooshes over, left to right. He is now shouting.) ... LOCALISED DISTURBANCE OF ... (Another Tornado whooshes over, right to left) |
| 27 | MAN | (Also shouting) DISTURBANCE OF WHAT? |
(All hell breaks loose: helicopters, Tornados whizzing backwards and forwards, Lancasters rumbling low, World War 2 fighters swooping in, etc. - in fact anything the SFX people can lay their hands on. This continues for slightly longer than the listener can bear. Three loud thumps on the ceiling bring the noise to an abrupt halt. There is complete silence for several seconds.) |
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| 28 | VOICE UPSTAIRS | (Muffled) Sorry. |
| (There is a pregnant pause.) | ||
| 29 | DOILE | (Quietly) Excuse me, mate, but I couldn't help noticing that you live in a bungalow. |
| 30 | MAN | (Despairingly) I know. |
| 31 | DOILE | Well, well. You have got a problem. (Pause) Mind if I take a look around? |
| 32 | MAN | Sure, sure. Go ahead. |
| (Doile switches on some sort of sensory device that emits Geiger counter clicks, interspersed with odd "Wheee" noises. He walks up and down, muttering to himself, pulling out drawers, shuffling books and papers for a minute or so, whilst the device continues to make odd noises. Finally it goes completely ape ...) | ||
| 33 | DOILE | Hang about ... what's this then? |
| 34 | MAN | What? |
35 |
DOILE |
This, mate. This. My God, only a Model 37 ECU. Only a bleeding Model 37. Jesus Christ, mate. I should've known as soon as I stepped through the door. This place has got Model 37 stamped all over it. Home sweet Model bleeding 37 home. Bloody hell. Now what do we do? |
| 36 | MAN | Excuse me, but can you explain to me what on earth you're on about? |
37 |
DOILE |
(Fuming) Listen mate, don't come the innocent with me. Don't try and tell me you don't know what a Model 37 ECU is about. I may look stupid, but don't think I don't know my ECUs. And this is definitely a Model 37. (Pause) And you mate, are in for a long stretch. Possession. Twenty years minimum. If you're lucky. Can I use your phone? |
| 38 | MAN | Well ... |
| 39 | DOILE | (Wearily) No, don't tell me. It's usually the first thing that goes if there's a Model 37 around. Christ! You are a sick man, mister ... |
| 40 | MAN | (Now worried) I still don't understand what you're on about ... |
41 |
DOILE |
(Still wearily) What I'm on about, mate, is the grey box tucked away under those shelves in the corner. The grey box what is causing all your problems. |
| 42 | MAN | (Relieved) Oh, that thing. Never did quite make it out. Left behind by the previous owners. |
43 |
DOILE |
In which case, mate, you should sue your surveyors. If I'm not mistaken - and I'm never bleeding well mistaken, by the way - that grey box is a Model 37 Environmental Control Unit, as banned by the Sao Paulo convention. That grey box is one of the most dangerous pieces of kit that it's ever been my pleasure to deal with. And believe me, I've come across a few ... |
44 |
MAN |
(Incredulously) But I thought it was just some sort of device for playing background music, creating an ambience, that sort of thing. (Pause) Mind you, it has been playing up a bit lately. |
45 |
DOILE |
(Sarcastically) Playing up a bit, indeed. Listen, sunshine, this thing could take out most of the neighbourhood if you pressed the buttons in the wrong order. If you were really unlucky, this thing could probably make half of Europe uninhabitable for fifty generations. (Pause) Bloody Environmentalists. |
| 46 | MAN | What? |
| 47 | DOILE | I said, bloody Environmentalists. |
| 48 | MAN | Who are they? |
| 49 | DOILE | People who pratt about with ECUs like this Model 37 here. |
| 50 | MAN | Yes, but ... Look, can you explain all this from the beginning? |
51 |
DOILE |
(Calming down slightly) You really want to know? (Pause) Well, it all goes back to the late '70s - 1970s that is - when they invented a thing called a Walkman. Sort of a portable music machine. First time people could carry around their own personal sound environment with them wherever they went. Used to see people on trains wearing these funny headphone things. |
| 52 | MAN | Really? |
53 |
DOILE |
Yes, really. Then came virtual reality. Sort of goggle things you could wear. Made you think you were inside your own artificial world. Very clever, mind. |
| 54 | MAN | And people wore those on trains, too? |
55 |
DOILE |
Course. (Pause) But ... y'see, trouble was, people being people, virtual reality wasn't quite good enough. Had to be able to control real reality. Press a button, and transform your living room into Acapulco. Press another, and - bingo! - a naked lady appears. They called themselves "Environmentalists". (Pause) Scum of the earth. |
| 56 | MAN | But what was so bad about that? |
57 |
DOILE |
Imagine how powerful the technology had to be, mate. That little grey box over there, that Model 37, contains at least five of your matter - anti-matter bifurcation/re-integration circuits. Like I said, could wipe out a fair amount of real estate. Wouldn't surprise me if it's gone critical already. |
| 58 | MAN | Oh dear. (Pause) Well, I'm awfully sorry ... |
| 59 | DOILE | Oh, don't bother. Just give us a hand to dismantle it. And let's hope that if it does go up, it only takes us with it? Got the time? |
| (An express train roars past the window, rattling china ornaments) | ||
| 60 | MAN | 9:53. (Pause) Unless it's running late, that is. |
| 61 | DOILE | (Muttering under breath) Jesus. |
| 62 | MAN | What can I do? |
63 |
DOILE |
Well ... (Clanking of tools, then heaving and straining) First of all, you can zip me into this protective gear. (Voice is slightly muffled from now on. Sound of zip being done up with great effort.) Is that completely tight? |
| 64 | MAN | I think so. |
65 |
DOILE |
Right, I'm going in. Stay right back. (Sound of man wearing cumbersome protective gear stumbling across room.) OK, I'm there. Let's try this first ... |
| (Click. The acoustic changes abruptly to that of a cocktail bar. Clinking of glasses etc.) | ||
| 66 | DOILE | Damn. |
| (Click. Interior of cavern. Stalactites dripping.) | ||
| 67 | DOILE | Bastard! What about this? |
| 68 | MAN | (Urgently) I wouldn't press that button if I were you ... |
| (Click. There is a deafening explosion, followed by a long silence, as debris falls to the floor.) | ||
| 69 | DOILE | Jesus Christ! |
| 70 | MAN | (Matter-of-fact) Yes, it did that to me the first time I pressed that one. Should've warned you earlier. Sorry. |
| 71 | DOILE | So you bleeding should. Bastard's deafened me. (Pause) OK, what about this one? |
| (Desert Island Discs theme. Seagulls, etc.) | ||
| 72 | DOILE | Or this? |
| (Loud fart.) | ||
| 73 | DOILE | (Impatiently) Oh stuff it, let's try this one ... |
| (There is another almighty explosion. When it has died down and the debris is still settling, there is another click, right in the foreground, and the sound stops abruptly, as if the whole of the foregoing was a tape being listened to by the following two characters ...) | ||
| 74 | ATTENDANT 1 | And that's where it stops, eh? |
| 75 | ATTENDANT 2 | Yup, that's it. |
| 76 | ATTENDANT 1 | Hmmm. Brave man. |
| 77 | ATTENDANT 2 | Very brave. |
| 78 | ATTENDANT 1 | OK. What do we have here then? |
| 79 | ATTENDANT 2 | Tip of ... er ... right index finger ... |
| 80 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 81 | ATTENDANT 2 | Half of left earlobe ... |
| 82 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 83 | ATTENDANT 2 | Small portion of spleen ... |
| 84 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 85 | ATTENDANT 2 | 2.3cm section of hepatic portal vein ... |
| 86 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 87 | ATTENDANT 2 | Sliver of tooth ... probably molar ... |
| 88 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 89 | ATTENDANT 2 | Eyelash, slightly singed ... |
| 90 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. |
| 91 | ATTENDANT 2 | Small section of kneecap ... |
| 92 | ATTENDANT 1 | Left or right? |
| 93 | ATTENDANT 2 | Er ... left ... I think ... |
| 94 | ATTENDANT 1 | Check. Any more? |
| 95 | ATTENDANT 2 | Nope. That's all we recovered. |
| 96 | ATTENDANT 1 | OK. Label for the bag, please. |
| 97 | ATTENDANT 2 | There you go. |
| 98 | ATTENDANT 1 | Thank you. (Writing) Now, it's Mr Doile. That's D - O - Y - |
| 99 | ATTENDANT 2 | D - O - I - |
| 100 | ATTENDANT 1 | (Still writing) From the D.O.E. ... |
| 101 | ATTENDANT 2 | Dead on arrival ... |
| 102 | ATTENDANT 1 | (Still writing, fading away) D.O.A. ... |
The End
© Jonathan M. Pinnock, 1992